A Brief Encounter

Yesterday, I ran into Wally at the DFAC/Kitchen. It was so good to see my dear friend. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him. He feels like a kindred spirit to me, like I have known him for a long, long time. For what ever reason, I trust him deeply. He is about to sew on Technical Sergeant/ E-6. I was so grateful to see him that I didn't even verbally congratulate him. I hope that he knew I was proud of him, and that he is far more competent that his rank belies. In my view he is easily an E-7 or an E-8. The encounter was a bit bitter; however, I fear that we are/have drifted far apart. It is hard to believe that it was a year ago that we were stationed together at Balad. I also felt guilt that I never completed the gift that I had envisioned for him. I will complete it soon. The meeting also stirred in me a grief that I may no longer be a warrior. Speaking of failures, I have never sent Eileen her flag that I had flown for her. I am not good at following through on plans. Perhaps Liz mailed it out as I requested... perhaps I only dreamed I asked her to.

The Return of Destiny, it was destined to be.

Well, The Knife of Destiny has returned from the desolate wastes of the forgotten abyss (it was behind the refrigerator). This was good news, and it made me happy. Last night I was troubled by bad dreams. I have been having dreams since I got here. They occur almost every night. They are mostly based on infidelity. Not the most fun thing to be troubled by. Oh well, what God wills shall be. I just hope that he wills that I don’t need to suffer that pain. Today I was told that I was going to be working nights, and to go back to leave work. About three hours later I was awoken and told that there was a misunderstanding, and that the night crew had been canceled. Just par for the course here.

Knife of Destiny?

Well, I lost another knife. This one was a CRKT m16-14ZSF. I am not sure why, but I was very attached to it. I only had it for a week, but I connected to it. Could it be that I am trying to make meaningful connections with objects to fill a loneliness? Probably. Regardless, it saddened me. I have lost two knives since I have been here, and I am not going to buy another... Maybe I will. If I do get one, will it provide the same connection? Would it be just a cheap fill-in? For whatever reason, I guess that I am not supposed to have one here. To paraphrase Mr. Cash "John, don't take your knife to town". Maybe that is the reason. Have I conveyed that this lose affected me more than it should have? It is hard to explain, but it fills like a small hole in me now. Way to attached to a piece of metal and composite. Sigh.

240 Volts of muscle shredding power!

Damn, 110 Volts is nothing. I got zapped by 240 last night, and my left bicep, tricep, and shoulder, are sore as hell. It made me angry. I was trying to vacuum my pod, and it blew a fuse in the transformer. I turned off the transformer, unscrewed the fuse, and... WHAMO!!! So today, my muscles are sore from the contraction. I tried to lift today, but only did a few sets. It feels like it is the tendons. Yesterday Ivan was laid to rest. He had become increasingly hostile, to the point of us worrying for Kade's safety. He will be missed, but it is for the best. Liz is taking it hard. She is stronger than me. Every time I thought of putting Ivan down, I would rationalize a reason not to do it. He had a good life. He was loved, fed, sheltered, and was part of a family. Sarg is getting long in years, and it will probably not be long before he passes on too. I am not sure if Kade will know, care, or notice that Ivan is not around, but I hope he doesn't. He seemed to like Ivan a lot. We all did. Fare thee well my pup. You will be missed.

Life at the Deid

I am now living at Al Udeid. Things are OK, but lonely. Today there is a great dust storm rolling in. Liz is having a hard time, and Kade seems to be devastated. I feel like a crappy father, but I am out of options. They need money, and I have to provide it somehow. We are hoping that we will save enough money to buy some land, out right, when I get back. Kade will thank me when he grows up, right? I mean, I am giving him what my father never gave me. I want him to always have a place where he can live if the crap hits the fan. Family land, ah what a dream! Maybe I will be able to drop off of the map.... I have recently found a treasure here. The good Lord always provides his bounty. I have also scoped out a new lair that I will move into soon. It is a 12x20 mechanical room. Believe me, this would be veritable a paradise compared to a 10x10 stinky room that you have to share with someone. Yes folks, that is 50 square feet of personal space. I am not sure that even qualifies as "free range beef". Moo baby, moo.

I'm back baby!!

Things have been crappy (read I have not been seeing the blessings in disguise). I have not been able to find a job since I returned from Iraq. The blessing is that I spend each day with Kade. He is awesome. Each day is an adventure. I am seriously considering moving to Maine, and living the way I have been drawn to. Liz is ok with it, and I think that it will be a wonderful life for Kade. Today Kade and I had our first hunting adventure. We went to the frozen lake and shot a few rounds through a pellet gun. I will post a few pictures soon. I am going to try and get a 365 day deployment, somewhere with a high per diem, and bank the extra to buy the Maine land out right. I am considering joining the Maine Air Guard. Ideally, it would be great to spend the spring through fall at the retreat in, then spend 4 months deployed to a base to the south. This would augment the money we will make from selling alpaca poop, or some other cash making en devour (it's a joke folks; the poop part anyway).

Hey Old Friend!

John?? wally.gillespie@yahoo.com or walter.gillespie@barksdale.af.mil

The Light is within sight!!!

Yes, I am in a better mood. Things have been getting better; well, I have been at least. It is mostly just a mindset that keeps people wallowing in their own shite. It may stink, and be uncomfortable, but hey, it's warm. That is why most people never just step out of their pool of filth. It may suck, but it is all mine! So, I had a change of mind. I do miss my compadre. This time here has made me grow, and become a better leader than I was, BUT, it was much better to have a wingman you trust, and can lean on. Wally’s replacement is another great NCO. I have been very fortunate. Once I leave here, I think that the turmoil is going to boil over for a while, but Randolph will handle it. On a sour note, I have stopped on the Pushup Quest. The new shift hours make it very hard to dedicate an hour or more per day to the goal of a 15000 shirt. I am certain that I have done at least 15000, but I have not recorded them, so I don’t feel right claiming them. Elk camp is coming up soon too!

More deep thoughts???

Well, I have hit a pretty deep low point. I have tried to make a solid team. We recently were required to merge with another team. This has not been too bad, but there is the usual slump. I am mostly struggling with feeling like I am not living up to what people/upper management expects from me. It is pretty disheartening. I really do try to do the best I can. It is getting harder to not get the “F*** its”. I have been writing more letters home by hand. There has to be a reason for this. Maybe I am attempting to feel a tangible piece of home. Maybe it is something completely different. It is difficult to keep moving forward day to day when you feel ineffectual. I am really in a shitty way. I just want to go home. I have tried to do what they want, but they never seem think I am good enough. At least, that is how I feel. Perhaps they are pleased with me, but just can’t let me know. I do have tomorrow off, so that should help. The shift adjustment has affected my sleep, and it is a fact that sleep directly affects my moods. So, here is to the long sleep day.

The Price...

I do not pretend to understand what it must be like to be gone as frequently as you. As I have previously stated, that I the main reason that I left active duty. I catch miniature doses of what you are referring to. I feel that it is part of the Warrior issue that we spoke of. We are placed in situations that require a type of person that few can become, let alone sustain. If you have seen, and lived continual conflict, it is my opinion that, it becomes a part of you. The Air Force has been at war/engagement for the close to two decades now. It puts an even greater stress on our families, I imagine it is like still being in love with your ex. They come around you fall in love with them all over again, and then they leave once more. I know that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I don’t feel like I am a good civilian, nor a good warrior. Couple that with seeing that things work when you are not around, and at first they work better than when you are home, and it leaves me feeling like extra baggage. Or, I think that this is how a weapon feels between fights. We are used and battered; then repaired, sharpened, and thrown on a shelf until further need arises. I can only imagine how the vets from Vietnam felt. I know that as a force we are soft compared to others, but we are still warriors. Perhaps Odin really exists and holds a special place for us... of course Jesus will lead His army in the final battle; so, he may love us too. We all have our demons, don't allow them to make you ruin what is good in your life.

Hmmmm.....

Well my friend you couldn't be more correct with your assumption. Since being home it's like everything is a fog around me. Bad feeling of knowing things operate fine without you. Now don't get me wrong, I know that it's this way for the simple fact that I have been gone so much over the years, but it's just hard knowing you aren't needed for things to operate smoothly. Just a hard transition is all. Things will work I know. Just still venting out frustrations.
As far as Haynes replacement goes.....You absolutley can't fix STUPID! What a piece of work! Like i said in the past, i hated to leave you there by yourself, but i don't think I would've done well with a couple of those folks. Keep chipping away at the stone my friend. In this man's opinion you've done a great job! Get out of the riptide, it's time to start swimming back toward the beach good buddy!!

Great, you are alive!

Hola Amigo. I am glad to hear that you are home! I do know what you mean about the unsettled feeling. If I am reading you like it feels to me, it is like your home is no longer yours. I know that it passes, but when you are in it, it sure feels like it will never feel like home again. The BS is getting deep here, and mister nipple rings (Haynse’s replacement) is a true work of art, sculpted from pure fecal matter! That jack ass had the balls to allude that I needed to brush up on basic managerial techniques. He is also far from being above using the work of the other crews to make himself, and his people look good. The night crew is still plugging along, but I am sick of this place. I have, as have we all, been very busy. I take my math final today. I am nervous, but glad to be done. I do think that for the most part I have remained sane in this massive tidal wave of ravaging uncoolness. It did rip off my swimming trunks, drag me across the coral, and shove a conch up my rectum; but, I am not dead yet!

Unsettled.........

John, this is one of those times I miss our "official" office/paperwork how-to discussions. It would seem that when the dust settles, things still aren't clear and the sky isn't a "bright sun shiny day". Transition is hard. Much harder than it has been in the past. The small things that held together like concrete seem like paper in rain right now. Not sure where this whirlwind is coming from, but i feel very unsettled right now. Now don't get me wrong being home is great, but the repetitive motion of sleep, shower, chow hall and endless walking to the place of buisness seems to be where it's at right now. Just venting my friend. I'm sure since you know me you understand this rambling. Hope all is good there. Rock on good buddy! And by the way, 325 WSM is an awesome round. First hand knowledge speaking here. Fine round for any occasion in my book.

Hello!

Greetings my robust friend!!! I see the quest for the illusive t-shirt continues. Excellent! My trip home was "sporty" at best. With all the broken planes here and there to get on i thought home was becoming illusive...haha! Plus we have this top notch laptop which needs to be replaced. Tie that all in with visiting family and friends, and you have my first real chance to log into the almighty blog. Hope your new crew is cool. Obviously not as cool as the John/Wally connection :)
Hope all is well. Shoot me an email at my yahoo when you get a chance wally.gillespie@yahoo.com Looks fairly positive for the hunt this year! Talk to you later my friend. Remember, when in the sea of uncoolness swim sideways when you hit the inevitable riptide!

Push-up Quest!

I now have 7000 push ups completed. I am going for 15000 before I leave this place. They award tee shirts for 5000-10000-and 15000 push ups and/or sit ups. So far I have the 5000 tee one. Whooo!!! Soon I will impliment my plan to take over the push up world....

Most of us, in America, take the little things in life for granted. For your consideration, I present the restroom. Most of the time, when we deploy, we have what are called “Cadillac’s”. I have no idea where the name came from, but they are defiantly not Cadillac’s. Over here using the toilet, brushing your teeth, showering, shaving, etc, etc, becomes a time consuming chore.
If you work nights, the mid sleep trip to the rest room starts with the dreaded thought of “Oh no! I think I have to pee. I should stop drinking six hours before bed. But, if I do that I will get dehydrated. Maybe I can hold it… nope. Hell, now I have to put on all of my clothes so the uniform Nazis don’t catch me. Where are my piece of junk flip-flops? I hope they don’t break without any apparent reason”.
After you get fully dressed for your pit-stop, you open the door and are greeted by a light that is so bright it must be similar to the light that accompanies God on His journeys. Next you are greeted by a wave of heat. The scorching wave that assaults you is similar to the effect that you get when you open a hot oven door, lean over, and get a full heat wave to the face. So, now you are blinded, cooked, and you still feel like a kid that didn’t have to “go” at the last rest stop on your way to Disneyland. Dance, dance, prance.
As you attempt to gain momentum you are reminded of your woefully inadequate foot attire. The three hundred yard quest to the urinal seems too far to make, and remain in clean britches, but you press on, unsoiled. You finish the job at hand and return to your cool, dark cave, undress, and lay there waiting for the next three to four hours to pass. Sleep, for some unknown reason, has eluded you, again.
What does this have to do with shoes, namely the ones that are pictured? Well, I am glad that you asked. I am tired of having my aforementioned adventures foiled by the flip flops that blow out for no reason. I think that these shoes would alleviate that problem, and also prevent the baby oil on linoleum like effect that water produces on the shower Cadillac's floors.
So get them you say? Well, I have tried that. For whatever reason, the seller can’t seem to figure out how to mail the shoes to me. So now, I have purchased a fifty dollar pair of shoes, that I need, which are eluding my hooves. Oh, the agony of de feet!!!
Although this story is not nearly as bad as I have made it sound, there is a moral to the story: Waking up and having to pee, in the middle of the day, in a place like this, sucks. They say that the little things in life are what make you happy. I just want my shoes. Ok, ok. That is far from all I want, but it sounds better for the story to say that it is.
The End.

Sea of uncoolness.

Well, this is a bitter sweet night. I am glad that my compadre is heading home to see the ones that he loves, but hell, the picture says it best. You made me laugh at the way I had missed the obvious. You are clearly correct that the "FNG" only gets cellugulare signals. It seems like all the microwave, and infrared experiments was for naught. Well, I will have to get a manual out and see what to do next. You have been an awesome source of knowledge, and I will miss you expertise and wit. I hope that I see you in the fall, but if not this year, maybe next.

Whew!!!

Well, I officially got an email saying I was in my 48 hour window. Although I am thrilled at the thought of being with my family again, I am saddened at the thought of leaving my friend John. This was his night off and I stuck around to help the new guy out. Now, when i say I am sorry for leaving you in this "Sea of Uncoolness" John, I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I am getting ready to leave the shop to finish packing, and I still can't quite figure out how I made it all night without going crazy. Really can't imagine doing two more months of it. Oh and by the way, it would appear that the new "out of the box NCO(SSgt type)" is only programmed to understand Cellular communications. I am truly sorry to leave you here by yourself my friend!

Happy 4th Everyone!

I am sure there aren't any words that I can include in this post that my articulate collegue didn't include in his below post. That being said i say Thank You to all who have served and those still serving. It doesn't matter if you're active duty or guard/reserve. Everyone sacrifices something to be here doing what we do, and defending the very beliefs and freedom we each hold dear in our hearts. I would also like to say Thank You to MSgt John Rasmuson for the light work load tonight. It was much appreciated. Until next time..............