The Light is within sight!!!

Yes, I am in a better mood. Things have been getting better; well, I have been at least. It is mostly just a mindset that keeps people wallowing in their own shite. It may stink, and be uncomfortable, but hey, it's warm. That is why most people never just step out of their pool of filth. It may suck, but it is all mine! So, I had a change of mind. I do miss my compadre. This time here has made me grow, and become a better leader than I was, BUT, it was much better to have a wingman you trust, and can lean on. Wally’s replacement is another great NCO. I have been very fortunate. Once I leave here, I think that the turmoil is going to boil over for a while, but Randolph will handle it. On a sour note, I have stopped on the Pushup Quest. The new shift hours make it very hard to dedicate an hour or more per day to the goal of a 15000 shirt. I am certain that I have done at least 15000, but I have not recorded them, so I don’t feel right claiming them. Elk camp is coming up soon too!

More deep thoughts???

Well, I have hit a pretty deep low point. I have tried to make a solid team. We recently were required to merge with another team. This has not been too bad, but there is the usual slump. I am mostly struggling with feeling like I am not living up to what people/upper management expects from me. It is pretty disheartening. I really do try to do the best I can. It is getting harder to not get the “F*** its”. I have been writing more letters home by hand. There has to be a reason for this. Maybe I am attempting to feel a tangible piece of home. Maybe it is something completely different. It is difficult to keep moving forward day to day when you feel ineffectual. I am really in a shitty way. I just want to go home. I have tried to do what they want, but they never seem think I am good enough. At least, that is how I feel. Perhaps they are pleased with me, but just can’t let me know. I do have tomorrow off, so that should help. The shift adjustment has affected my sleep, and it is a fact that sleep directly affects my moods. So, here is to the long sleep day.

The Price...

I do not pretend to understand what it must be like to be gone as frequently as you. As I have previously stated, that I the main reason that I left active duty. I catch miniature doses of what you are referring to. I feel that it is part of the Warrior issue that we spoke of. We are placed in situations that require a type of person that few can become, let alone sustain. If you have seen, and lived continual conflict, it is my opinion that, it becomes a part of you. The Air Force has been at war/engagement for the close to two decades now. It puts an even greater stress on our families, I imagine it is like still being in love with your ex. They come around you fall in love with them all over again, and then they leave once more. I know that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I don’t feel like I am a good civilian, nor a good warrior. Couple that with seeing that things work when you are not around, and at first they work better than when you are home, and it leaves me feeling like extra baggage. Or, I think that this is how a weapon feels between fights. We are used and battered; then repaired, sharpened, and thrown on a shelf until further need arises. I can only imagine how the vets from Vietnam felt. I know that as a force we are soft compared to others, but we are still warriors. Perhaps Odin really exists and holds a special place for us... of course Jesus will lead His army in the final battle; so, he may love us too. We all have our demons, don't allow them to make you ruin what is good in your life.

Hmmmm.....

Well my friend you couldn't be more correct with your assumption. Since being home it's like everything is a fog around me. Bad feeling of knowing things operate fine without you. Now don't get me wrong, I know that it's this way for the simple fact that I have been gone so much over the years, but it's just hard knowing you aren't needed for things to operate smoothly. Just a hard transition is all. Things will work I know. Just still venting out frustrations.
As far as Haynes replacement goes.....You absolutley can't fix STUPID! What a piece of work! Like i said in the past, i hated to leave you there by yourself, but i don't think I would've done well with a couple of those folks. Keep chipping away at the stone my friend. In this man's opinion you've done a great job! Get out of the riptide, it's time to start swimming back toward the beach good buddy!!

Great, you are alive!

Hola Amigo. I am glad to hear that you are home! I do know what you mean about the unsettled feeling. If I am reading you like it feels to me, it is like your home is no longer yours. I know that it passes, but when you are in it, it sure feels like it will never feel like home again. The BS is getting deep here, and mister nipple rings (Haynse’s replacement) is a true work of art, sculpted from pure fecal matter! That jack ass had the balls to allude that I needed to brush up on basic managerial techniques. He is also far from being above using the work of the other crews to make himself, and his people look good. The night crew is still plugging along, but I am sick of this place. I have, as have we all, been very busy. I take my math final today. I am nervous, but glad to be done. I do think that for the most part I have remained sane in this massive tidal wave of ravaging uncoolness. It did rip off my swimming trunks, drag me across the coral, and shove a conch up my rectum; but, I am not dead yet!

Unsettled.........

John, this is one of those times I miss our "official" office/paperwork how-to discussions. It would seem that when the dust settles, things still aren't clear and the sky isn't a "bright sun shiny day". Transition is hard. Much harder than it has been in the past. The small things that held together like concrete seem like paper in rain right now. Not sure where this whirlwind is coming from, but i feel very unsettled right now. Now don't get me wrong being home is great, but the repetitive motion of sleep, shower, chow hall and endless walking to the place of buisness seems to be where it's at right now. Just venting my friend. I'm sure since you know me you understand this rambling. Hope all is good there. Rock on good buddy! And by the way, 325 WSM is an awesome round. First hand knowledge speaking here. Fine round for any occasion in my book.