Life at the Deid

I am now living at Al Udeid. Things are OK, but lonely. Today there is a great dust storm rolling in. Liz is having a hard time, and Kade seems to be devastated. I feel like a crappy father, but I am out of options. They need money, and I have to provide it somehow. We are hoping that we will save enough money to buy some land, out right, when I get back. Kade will thank me when he grows up, right? I mean, I am giving him what my father never gave me. I want him to always have a place where he can live if the crap hits the fan. Family land, ah what a dream! Maybe I will be able to drop off of the map.... I have recently found a treasure here. The good Lord always provides his bounty. I have also scoped out a new lair that I will move into soon. It is a 12x20 mechanical room. Believe me, this would be veritable a paradise compared to a 10x10 stinky room that you have to share with someone. Yes folks, that is 50 square feet of personal space. I am not sure that even qualifies as "free range beef". Moo baby, moo.

I'm back baby!!

Things have been crappy (read I have not been seeing the blessings in disguise). I have not been able to find a job since I returned from Iraq. The blessing is that I spend each day with Kade. He is awesome. Each day is an adventure. I am seriously considering moving to Maine, and living the way I have been drawn to. Liz is ok with it, and I think that it will be a wonderful life for Kade. Today Kade and I had our first hunting adventure. We went to the frozen lake and shot a few rounds through a pellet gun. I will post a few pictures soon. I am going to try and get a 365 day deployment, somewhere with a high per diem, and bank the extra to buy the Maine land out right. I am considering joining the Maine Air Guard. Ideally, it would be great to spend the spring through fall at the retreat in, then spend 4 months deployed to a base to the south. This would augment the money we will make from selling alpaca poop, or some other cash making en devour (it's a joke folks; the poop part anyway).

Hey Old Friend!

John?? wally.gillespie@yahoo.com or walter.gillespie@barksdale.af.mil

The Light is within sight!!!

Yes, I am in a better mood. Things have been getting better; well, I have been at least. It is mostly just a mindset that keeps people wallowing in their own shite. It may stink, and be uncomfortable, but hey, it's warm. That is why most people never just step out of their pool of filth. It may suck, but it is all mine! So, I had a change of mind. I do miss my compadre. This time here has made me grow, and become a better leader than I was, BUT, it was much better to have a wingman you trust, and can lean on. Wally’s replacement is another great NCO. I have been very fortunate. Once I leave here, I think that the turmoil is going to boil over for a while, but Randolph will handle it. On a sour note, I have stopped on the Pushup Quest. The new shift hours make it very hard to dedicate an hour or more per day to the goal of a 15000 shirt. I am certain that I have done at least 15000, but I have not recorded them, so I don’t feel right claiming them. Elk camp is coming up soon too!

More deep thoughts???

Well, I have hit a pretty deep low point. I have tried to make a solid team. We recently were required to merge with another team. This has not been too bad, but there is the usual slump. I am mostly struggling with feeling like I am not living up to what people/upper management expects from me. It is pretty disheartening. I really do try to do the best I can. It is getting harder to not get the “F*** its”. I have been writing more letters home by hand. There has to be a reason for this. Maybe I am attempting to feel a tangible piece of home. Maybe it is something completely different. It is difficult to keep moving forward day to day when you feel ineffectual. I am really in a shitty way. I just want to go home. I have tried to do what they want, but they never seem think I am good enough. At least, that is how I feel. Perhaps they are pleased with me, but just can’t let me know. I do have tomorrow off, so that should help. The shift adjustment has affected my sleep, and it is a fact that sleep directly affects my moods. So, here is to the long sleep day.

The Price...

I do not pretend to understand what it must be like to be gone as frequently as you. As I have previously stated, that I the main reason that I left active duty. I catch miniature doses of what you are referring to. I feel that it is part of the Warrior issue that we spoke of. We are placed in situations that require a type of person that few can become, let alone sustain. If you have seen, and lived continual conflict, it is my opinion that, it becomes a part of you. The Air Force has been at war/engagement for the close to two decades now. It puts an even greater stress on our families, I imagine it is like still being in love with your ex. They come around you fall in love with them all over again, and then they leave once more. I know that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I don’t feel like I am a good civilian, nor a good warrior. Couple that with seeing that things work when you are not around, and at first they work better than when you are home, and it leaves me feeling like extra baggage. Or, I think that this is how a weapon feels between fights. We are used and battered; then repaired, sharpened, and thrown on a shelf until further need arises. I can only imagine how the vets from Vietnam felt. I know that as a force we are soft compared to others, but we are still warriors. Perhaps Odin really exists and holds a special place for us... of course Jesus will lead His army in the final battle; so, he may love us too. We all have our demons, don't allow them to make you ruin what is good in your life.